Saboteurs are ways in which we sabotage our wellbeing and relationships. They are the negative voices in our head that generate negative emotions- anxiety, stress, frustration, and unhappiness. Saboteurs are automatic negative thoughts that are very difficult to break! (Positive Intelligence).

Saboteurs originate in us as children. As children, saboteurs are guardians to aid us in surviving physical and emotional threats (real or imagined). As adults, we no longer need our saboteurs, and their lingering presence and control over us are harmful to our wellbeing and relationships.

Pain can be healthy, but only if it is short lived. When you put your hand on a hot stove, for a split second, it educates you the stove is hot. However, if you don’t quickly remove your hand from the stove you’ll be burned.

Our saboteurs are analogous to physical pain. If we are willing to feel our feels we can turn obstacles into opportunities. Staying stuck in our feelings and ruminating on negative emotions, however, can handicap us, keeping us stuck in reactivity and sabotaging us from acting rationally and creatively.

How does this sabotage our relationship with our children? Well, it keeps us stuck in our reality and limits us from seeing the perspective our children. It results in us trying to meet our children at where we think they are, as opposed to where they truly are. It promotes inflexibility and undermines creativity. It results in us projecting our emotions on our children and leaving them to feel unheard and misunderstood. It limits our ability to problem solve and results in our children being controlled by our saboteurs. So next time, you get caught in a negative emotion, and your saboteurs get the best of you, take a deep breathe, and ask yourself how can I turn this obstacle into a teaching opportunity for my child, as opposed to getting stuck in your negative emotions.