By Trina Nudson, JD, LBSW – Child Advocate & Co-Parenting Coach

In Week 1, we named what no one was talking about.
In Week 2, we outlined the patterns providers start to see once they notice the weight.

Now, it’s time to talk about the strategy that’s often suggested—but rarely works:

Neutrality.

You’ve probably heard the advice.
Don’t take sides.
Stay out of it.
Just be neutral.

But here’s the truth:

Neutrality isn’t a system.
It’s not a policy.
And it doesn’t hold under pressure.

When families are in conflict and communication is inconsistent, neutrality becomes a placeholder—one that often lands you in the middle.

What It Looks Like

You “stay neutral”… and now both parents are emailing, questioning your decisions.

You “don’t get involved”… and now a holiday craft has triggered complaints.

You “just follow policy”… and now your own staff are asking for backup because they feel exposed.

You’re not picking a side—
but the fallout still finds you.

What Children Learn from Our Systems

Children are highly attuned to tension—especially when they’re living between two homes.

They notice who gets the call.
Whose photo is displayed.
Who shows up—and who isn’t mentioned.

When we rely on neutrality instead of structure, we unintentionally teach children that adults avoid, rather than align.

That’s not the lesson we want to model.

What Works Better

What works is alignment—to the child, to your team, and to the mission of protecting both.

Alignment means saying:

“This is how we communicate with both parents.”
“This is how we involve families in events.”
“This is how we maintain consistency across classrooms.”

It means clear systems, not just good intentions.

It means policies that can hold tension—so the provider doesn’t have to.

And most importantly, it means the child isn’t left holding the emotional weight we’ve avoided naming.

Next Tuesday: Tools That Help You Align Without Taking Sides

Want to receive the full series in your inbox or bring this training to your team?
Let’s talk. trina@thelayneproject.com

Because what lands on providers, lands on children—and it’s time we built systems that hold the weight differently.